Rants and Raves of a Bum: 2007

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1. How to get a great table at a restaurant: Become a regular, learn the hosts' names, greet those hosts every time you visit, and tip well. Then ask for those hosts by name when making reservations.

2. The quality of the food in a restaurant is inversely proportional to the beauty of the view out its windows-and the excellence of its margaritas.

3. Real men most certainly do eat quiche, albeit rarely. They do not, however, drink "appletinis," or anything else to which the suffix "-tini" has been inappropriately appended.

4. Consider leaving the kiddies at home - and the cell phone.

5. When the bill comes: Except for truly exceptional situations-say, when everybody else at the table ordered truffled lobster with foie gras while you subsisted on lettuce-everybody should pay the same.

6. Advice to those who order steak well-done: Stop ordering steak, because you don't actually like it.

7. Sure, truffles, foie gras, and caviar are great, if overly fetishized and overpriced, but a real food lover knows there is nothing so precious as a truly ripe, sweet tomato. When to eat tomatoes: late summer, because that's when they're truly ripe and sweet.

8. When to eat oysters: only in months containing an r, not for any safety or freshness reasons, but because most oysters spawn during the summer months, leaving them tired, mushy, and subprime for eating purposes.

9. When to eat corn dogs: If you're in the sort of place that serves corn dogs, it's probably fine to have one.

10. The answer to the question "How would you like that cooked?" is "However the chef thinks it should be cooked." Because a) the chef knows his ingredients and the best way to prepare them, and b) flattering him might enhance your dining experience in unpredictable ways.

11. Despite what you've heard, specials in upscale restaurants are not the chef's way of getting rid of overstocked ingredients. That's called brunch.

12. Organic food is not about hippies, vegetarians, or animal-rights extremists. (Well, it is about hippies, but not only hippies.) It's about plants and animals being raised naturally and kindly, without weird growth hormones, chemicals, antibiotics, pesticides, or anything else likely to give you a horrible disease someday. In short, it's better, and you should eat it.

13. The manliest steak is the porterhouse, which consists of a flavorful strip steak on one side of the bone and a silky filet mignon on the other. A bone-in rib eye ain't so bad, either.

14. The riskiest sushi: the spicy tuna roll, because if there's one roll that a chef is going to stuff with lower-quality seafood, it's the one in which those spicy seasonings will mask the funkiness.

15. Almost nobody knows anything about wine.

16. All you need to know about wine: Memorize five or ten readily available varieties that you know you like. How to pick out a bottle: bold wines with bold foods (cabernet with steak), lighter wines with delicate foods (sauvignon blanc with fish and chicken), slightly sweet wines (Alsatian whites, say) with Asian food.

17. If you want to telegraph your price range without announcing it to the table, gesture toward an appropriate bottle on the wine list and discreetly tell the waiter, "Something like this."

18. Wine Service 101: You inspect the cork for damage and the correct labeling. You do not smell it, which would be pointless.

19. In the event that you are a person who possesses a great deal of knowledge about wine: Keep quiet about that. Just take charge with the wine list.

20. Never, ever-are you kidding me?-ever discourage a woman from eating anything. No matter how big the dessert, no matter how expensive the entrée. Never. Ever.

21. It is better never to eat another piece of cheese as long as you live than to eat anything called "fat-free" cheese. Also, it is better not to live than never to eat another piece of cheese.

22. If you've seen him on TV, he's probably not in the kitchen. Exception: Bobby Flay.

23. You know that hundred-dollar bottle of Napa cabernet you've been saving? It's just wine. Drink it. Tonight. With pizza.

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Afraid to fall in love...

There was a time in my life when I became afraid to fall in love. Because every time I fell in love, I got hurt. I thought maybe that's why it's called falling in love. I would give my all, loving deeply and wholeheartedly. It would be a truly emotional and euphoric experience. I would be dreaming about the object of my affection day and night, imagining good times together, thinking of what I can do or buy for him to show how much I care. I would feel light, energized and excited, blooming with the happiness I feel inside. Then somehow, something would go wrong and my whole world crash.

Disappointment...Resentment...Anger...Pain?

Why? Can we not love without feeling pain? Is it really a price to pay for all the happiness we feel when we're in love? It was only after many years of soul searching and reading inspirational writings that I realized that we could love without getting hurt. Only recently did I understand what unconditional love is all about. Love is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. It is the fire that burns inside, the essence of being. It is a precious gift that defines our purpose in life. If we keep in mind that we can indeed preserve its true meaning, we can love to the fullest and be truly happy.

Accept the fact that other people express their love differently. How do you express love? You say, "I love you three times a day"? You kiss and embrace as often as you can. You never forget anniversaries. You always prepare his favorite dishes. How does he express love? He rarely says, "I love you? He seldom kisses you. He forgets your birthday and he doesn't know how to cook. But he works overtime, walks the dog, takes out the garbage, takes you to the movies and calls you "Honey? He probably loves you more than you can imagine. He just shows it differently. If you can accept that then you will have a healthier perspective of your relationship.
Derive happiness from giving love. When you love, do it because you want to. Just give it. And cherish the satisfaction in having given someone something of yourself. It's like giving a gift whether it is appreciated or not, find happiness in simply giving. Love without expecting anything in return. Pain comes in when you demand something in return for the love you give. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Love cannot always be reciprocal. Love between two people can never be of the same intensity at the same time and place. No matter how much your partner loves you, she will never fill all your needs all the time. And you will be waiting in misery forever, if you believe you should love only when you are sure to receive equal love in return.

Love now. The past is gone and the future is just a dream. All of yesterday's aches and pains, as well as the loves and laughter, are mere memories. Let them go. Fantasies and worries are for a future that may never come. Don't dwell on them. Live now. Give love now. Do it and enjoy it now. Throw away those destructive habits. When you insist upon yourself always have to be in control, that you always have to be right that others must always please you, you put yourself in a very tight spot. Loving relationships are flexible, dynamic and evolving. Leave room now for a change interaction. Allow for new behavior and learning experiences. When we welcome these in our lives, we open ourselves to sharing more love and affection and less frustration and pain.
Yes, you will say unconditional love is easier said than done. Especially, when we have always believed that love is give and take. But believe that love is... simply giving. And you will be surprised that a lot of it, even more, actually comes back to you. Love is a gift. If you're given this gift, try to appreciate it and share it with others. If you haven't received it yet, do not be in a hurry to love somebody...because GOD is still wrapping that special gift for you.

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