Rants and Raves of a Bum

1) NOT KISSING FIRST
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes herfeel like you're paying by
the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is
the Ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this.
Well, there's a difference between being erotic and
blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles
on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your
chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's
face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to
side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for
ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke,
caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp
down like they're trying to deflate her body via her
breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't
stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently.
Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples
between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a
radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole
breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored
far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can
result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're
going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the
damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore
it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS Direct pressure is very
unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side
of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK Women, unlike men, don't pick
up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back
to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not
there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look
when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her
head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very

sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and

yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps,

they still believe that the vagina is where it's all

at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're

trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is

okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can

hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay

more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her

vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her

and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY

You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing

massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips

are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY

Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at

least made some move toward getting your stuff off,

even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST

A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose

the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the

worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial

power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line

worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up

slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD

If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her

thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of

horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON

Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you

see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a

backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without

climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's

more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy

some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to

hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make
noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get
your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently
rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN
Men persist in doing this until she's
eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very
swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's
about three steps from being dragged to a cave by
their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use
yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not
everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex,
warn her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO (Oral Stimulation of the
penis)
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during
fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men
ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more
laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting
while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like
the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX & PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able
to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask
her first. And don't think that being drunk is an
excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll
hear the words"__to show my buddies." At least let her
have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her
back to pouring honey on her and licking it off.
Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a
belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but
unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too
ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for
men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on
the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No
woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll
let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you
get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your
bedroom is not a soup kitchen.